Love for the Sinner

Love for the Sinner

Growing as the only daughter, I only knew how to receive love. Giving love was too unfamiliar to me, which I treated it as if it had nothing to do with me. I didn't even know how to consider the love of my physical parents, which made me difficult to realize Heavenly Mother’s love; and that realization took for quite a while.

Though in Zion, I saw many films containing Heavenly Mother’s sacrifice, I did not understand why She had to choose such a difficult path of sufferings. After I have watched for several times, I just reacted calmly and thought, ‘Yeah, like in the film,Heavenly Mother indeed suffered a lot.’ Without realizing that deep love, I just continued giving pain and scars to Heavenly Mother every day.
Throughout extremely hot weather few days ago, I guess from something that I had ate made me have a stomach ache, and it was burning that I couldn’t bear. I thought I would get better since I took medicine and went to the hospital and had an IV, however I started to have chills, wouldn't move my head because of the headache, which eventually gave me so much pain that I couldn’t even take a step forward. It was my first time being sick like this.
As if I might be ready to collapse, enduring the pain, I finally reached home and collapsed on my bed. Though the weather was hot,having chills, I had to pull over the blanket on me. It was really hot and cold. It was painful which I can’t describe that feeling with words. Then, I started to have high fever, my whole body became hot like a great ball of flame which didn't let me have any energy to even moan, and I couldn’t open my eyes because it hurt so much.
As I gradually fell into a coma, I started to think of Heavenly Mother. She clearly came up in my head just like I have watched on the film. Our Heavenly Mother, who couldn’t even buy medicine because She had no money despite of the high fever and being ill, and She had to endure all the pains throughout the long night in a cold room. Our Heavenly Mother, who had to suffer all alone in a cold room, where even the water jug was all frozen.

I even thought of Heavenly Mother who massaged elaborately of one patient sitting on Her knees. Oh Heavenly Mother! At that moment I realized that Her cartilage was all worn out. Tears welled up my eyes and it fell down my cheeks. It fell continually, like beads falling of its string.

‘Oh Mother! How did You endure the pain hanging between life and death, all alone… What kind of sinner am I! Why did You have to endure that long painful night without medicine for this maggot life; to save me, the sinner? Mother! Why did You have to endure that pain for this invaluable worthless sinner? Mother I am so sorry. I am so sorry, Mother!’
My soul hurt more than my body. It was irresistible to stop my tears, feeling the Mother’s pain that She had to suffer for me. Oh, what kind of sinner am I... For a long time I was heartless, disregarding and ignoring Heavenly Mother’s love… My sinful past came up in my mind like a film and pierced my soul.
I couldn’t say anything but I was sorry... I hated myself so much and I endlessly missed Heavenly Mother. I was sorry and endlessly missing Her... I wanted to come near to Her but I had the mind that I couldn’t possibly get near to the noble Heavenly Mother... At that time, I felt as if She was stroking my head with a benevolent smile. I think through all the pains and regrets I fell asleep.
When I woke up, my whole body and head was stiff with pain, and my blanket was all wet. I thought of Heavenly Mother who smiled and stroke my head. Oh Heavenly Mother! For me, these several hours are so painful as if I am going to die, how did You endure many long painful nights? Because of me, I made You to go through all the sufferings! I was so sorry that I wept and wept...

Thinking that this sinful child might not be saved without realizing Mother’s love, I believe with Her great grace, She made me realize a ten-thousandth of Mother’s love. Now, I will not just stay crying. I will change my sorrows into actions and live a life of repentance.

Mother, please let me scrub off dirt of as a prodigal sinner and wash my filthy soul with Your water of life! Mother, allow me to give this whole body and mind to You! Mother, allow me to give a gift of repentance to You! Mother, allow me to love You so that all Your pains cannot become in vain! Allow me to proclaim Mother’s great sacrifice to the whole world! My Mother, I truly deeply give thanks to You.